What I Want

Oh I don't know what I want... My life is one big question followed by blank spaces never to be filled. 
I have no answers for these questions in my life.
When confronted, I find that the best way to deal with it is to walk away... literally.
Though, sometimes I am cornered and must answer for myself and it's at these times I sputter like a flame, hungry for oxygen.
See, now, I'm good at faking it to those who don't know me so well.
I walk around with my head held high, shoulders back, confident in all I survey and do. 
But if you were to ask me at the lunch line "what will you eat today?" 
I will tell you that "I don't know."  For I don't!  Do I ever?
I must see and look with my eyes upon all my options before I discover what I truly want.
Once a decision is made, it's not really made, for in my mind I wonder constantly, 'did I make the right choice?'
Woe to me if it's a big decision.  I will spend weeks deciding what to do.
Relationships? HA! They practically end before they even begin!
I think, 'sure, he's cute, seems nice, why not?'  Then I realize I was wrong 'what was I thinking?'
I went with it because I don't know what I want.
Though, every one of these failures has slowly narrowed down my first options. 
I now know some options that I will never choose.  But do I know what I singly want?  No!
Most likely I never will until one day it all clicks, like turning on a light in a dark room. 
From no where life will make sense and I'll know what I want, or so I hope.
But I am sure this day is far off, for I can in no way imagine what I may want.

yet...

I walk around with my head held high, strong, with an impenetrable shield.  But now, sitting here I think about what you've said and what you've done and it hurts.  My head sinks and rests on my knees.  My strength vanishes as I crumple and what of the shield?  It's like it never existed. 

I love you

yet...

The older I have become, the knowledge I have acquired, and encounters I have had makes me question my undying love.  You have hurt me in more ways than you know, though, you have cared for me better then many. 

Is it simply a miscommunication that has me upset?  Or is there some truth to this feeling, that maybe I shouldn't hold you so high anymore.  Your pedestal is cracked.  I can see it crumbling underneath you. An idol in my eyes.  I looked up to you. 

yet...

Those I have never dared to think of as more than friends seem to climbing up to where you once were.  It's funny really.  Seeing these tables change.  I have been disappointed too many times to think of you as a hero anymore. Those who really care have slowly come into my focus, and I'm sorry but it seems that you have blurred out... and it takes a lot to focus a blurry shot.

yet...

Time heals all wounds.

Time

Fast is the time now.  It's pushing forward with increasing speeds.  She stands there trying to find her way but time will not wait for her to decide her fate.  It's now or never, but she can't seem to choose.  Where will she go, who will she be, she must choose, or time will pass by and she will regret the choice she didn't make. 

My Past

I lay there and I think

What about? Everything

My past experiences

Some good and some bad

I focus on the bad, for that’s how we work

The bad sticks out like a sore thumb

Pricked upon the stem of a beautiful rose bush

Thoughts twirl and swirl in my mind

Past lovers, choices that I had made,

Mistakes that I can never forgive nor forget

I loathe the past

It stairs at me

With eyes knowing and cruel

Forcing me to think

Making me stumble and slip

My hard outer shell is cracked

An unwanted tear leaves my eye

Creating a moist trail down my cheek

My past hurts me with the truth

But I push through it until I gain control

I turn from my past

As if I could just get up and walk away

Leaving those memories behind at a bus stop

That will take them far far away

Solid Rock Heart

I wrote this little bit on an especially angry night where I was hating my gift of caring and only wished that I could be more like guys who could simply go out, have fun and not have a care for the people they might be hurting in the process.  I think it explains how felt that night.  When I was confused and angry at the men in my life.

Sometimes I wish I had a solid rock heart

A heart that didn’t feel

But was cold as ice

And hard to touch

Love would be a word, not in my dictionary

 

Men would simply be material

Like cotton, silk, or wool

One man could be practical

One would be fancy and fun

While another could play a simple role

Of keeping me warm from chills inside

 

I would feel nothing for men

I would simply discard them like a used rag

Because I would have a solid rock heart

And wouldn’t care for them

With their tender hearts

So easy to hurt