Emotions

Trying to think of the words to describe how I feel

Emotions is all I know

It's the warm swells that envelop my body

It's the joy that radiates my face

It's the desire to know you more

I lay here and I'm alone

My mind's eye fills the space with your image 

I want to feel your presence close to mine

I want your heat to warm my cold empty sole

It's frowned upon

But I smile because of it

Oh what the people would say

I don't care

They can stare, question, and lust

With you close to me

Your eyes 

Your smile

They give you away

I can see that young school boy

Hiding beneath the skin

I smile

You smile

What's wrong with that?

So what if I'm young

So what if you're old

There's these feelings inside

They're hard to explain 

They're emotions deep within

I'm scared to admit

You and I seem one and the same

Do you know how I feel?

Do you see it on my face

Or in my body language 

What will happen now

I lay here and wonder

Where does the path lead

I am Changing

life changes 

it moves it’s route like a river bed

bending and curving all the way

I’m comfortable

it changes, it moves,

it’s gradual

I notice

life changes

it’s better, it’s worse

do you understand?

I don’t, but life changes

I love, I hate, I don’t care at all

I am, I am not, I am here and now

Life changes

what does one want

what does one need

who am I

I do as I’m supposed to

life changes

my heart is broken

it needs mending

I know not what to do

life changes

I sit

I brood

I listen to the world

I listen to my sole

I hear the truth

Now I know

I am changing

Do you think like me?

What am I but some silly girl blinded by thoughts and feelings.  We met, we talked, we loved.  I wonder if you think like me.  When we met eyes what did you see?  A woman, beautiful and strong?  Someone you wanted to meet and know?  Or are you just a man, greedy and blinded by your physical needs. 

We talked, but did you really want to?  Did you just sit there, drinking, and biding your time?  People can lie amd it's easy to do.  I wonder if you lied to me.  If you meant anything that you said.  Your words seemed good, but were they just words spoken with no feelings backing them?  You seemed the white knight, but maybe I'm a silly girl twisting the real world to fit the fantasy I dream.

Do you think like me?  Seeing someone not something.  Was I used for a one night, or did you have thoughts like me?  That maybe you're a good guy who spoke truthfuly.  That maybe you cared just a little.  Breaking the mold of everyday.

I want to know your thoughts. Whether they be painful or wonderful.  I don't want to fall for your lies.  I want to hurt from a harsh truth.  I'm sick of the lies told to get what one wants.  I want only the truth of your thoughts.  To know if you think like me.

a Smile For a Smile...

When I look with my mind's eye
Tune out the world around
That smile appears

We all wear masks
Never revealing ones true self
I knew you that night

You have smiled before
A smile everyone has seen
Common and meaningless

This went deeper
A smile felt
Something unexplainable

That smile had meaning
Maybe you thought not of it
You looked down to hide

Mines eye captured it
Release is not willed
The memory on repeat

I glow from within
That warm feeling given
It's simply complex

A smile creeps upon me
One that none have seen
A smile for a smile

What I Want

Oh I don't know what I want... My life is one big question followed by blank spaces never to be filled. 
I have no answers for these questions in my life.
When confronted, I find that the best way to deal with it is to walk away... literally.
Though, sometimes I am cornered and must answer for myself and it's at these times I sputter like a flame, hungry for oxygen.
See, now, I'm good at faking it to those who don't know me so well.
I walk around with my head held high, shoulders back, confident in all I survey and do. 
But if you were to ask me at the lunch line "what will you eat today?" 
I will tell you that "I don't know."  For I don't!  Do I ever?
I must see and look with my eyes upon all my options before I discover what I truly want.
Once a decision is made, it's not really made, for in my mind I wonder constantly, 'did I make the right choice?'
Woe to me if it's a big decision.  I will spend weeks deciding what to do.
Relationships? HA! They practically end before they even begin!
I think, 'sure, he's cute, seems nice, why not?'  Then I realize I was wrong 'what was I thinking?'
I went with it because I don't know what I want.
Though, every one of these failures has slowly narrowed down my first options. 
I now know some options that I will never choose.  But do I know what I singly want?  No!
Most likely I never will until one day it all clicks, like turning on a light in a dark room. 
From no where life will make sense and I'll know what I want, or so I hope.
But I am sure this day is far off, for I can in no way imagine what I may want.

yet...

I walk around with my head held high, strong, with an impenetrable shield.  But now, sitting here I think about what you've said and what you've done and it hurts.  My head sinks and rests on my knees.  My strength vanishes as I crumple and what of the shield?  It's like it never existed. 

I love you

yet...

The older I have become, the knowledge I have acquired, and encounters I have had makes me question my undying love.  You have hurt me in more ways than you know, though, you have cared for me better then many. 

Is it simply a miscommunication that has me upset?  Or is there some truth to this feeling, that maybe I shouldn't hold you so high anymore.  Your pedestal is cracked.  I can see it crumbling underneath you. An idol in my eyes.  I looked up to you. 

yet...

Those I have never dared to think of as more than friends seem to climbing up to where you once were.  It's funny really.  Seeing these tables change.  I have been disappointed too many times to think of you as a hero anymore. Those who really care have slowly come into my focus, and I'm sorry but it seems that you have blurred out... and it takes a lot to focus a blurry shot.

yet...

Time heals all wounds.

Time

Fast is the time now.  It's pushing forward with increasing speeds.  She stands there trying to find her way but time will not wait for her to decide her fate.  It's now or never, but she can't seem to choose.  Where will she go, who will she be, she must choose, or time will pass by and she will regret the choice she didn't make.